CrazyAngel

?You?re having me on? this has to be a parody account.* How many fucking Christmas trees does a person need?? Dave asked with an air of disbelief as he handed me back my mobile phone.?Honestly, I couldn?t make this up.* She really does put a tree in every room, including the cinema room in the basement,? I replied.* ?Facebook is made for someone like her.??Of course, you can?t forget the fucking cinema room.* You Americans and your McMansions.??Don?t include me in all that.* I chose to move here to live in cramped conditions with you lot.* Besides, those monstrosities cost a fraction of what a terraced house costs around here.??I see ? American houses are big and cheap, like your women.??Ha ha.?Dave and I were exchanging our usual banter over a quick post-work drink at a London pub. It was the evening before I was to set off for a trip back home to the American Midwest, and I was showing him where I was going to be staying.* As luck would have it, I had an extended work project that landed me in the city where I grew up, smack in the middle of the Rust Belt.*Instead of a hotel, I was planning to crash with an old high school friend, Tom Evans, and his wife Kitty.* Tom wasn?t my closest friend, but we knew each other well enough.* He and I were in all the top-set classes together.* With my surname being Dawes, alphabetical seating plans meant that we were nearly always placed next to each other.* It was Kitty who, somewhat surprisingly, insisted I stay with them rather than opting for a hotel.Tom is a really good guy, but, truth be told, he is terribly boring.* It?s not just that he always sticks to the same topics of conversation, it's that he?s lived an incredibly conventional life.* He went to State U to study engineering, then to City U to get an MBA.* He drives a spotlessly clean SUV, vacations at the same beach every summer and genuinely looks forward to attending an annual business convention in Las Vegas. He?s always followed the safe and conventional path.* One mutual friend remarked that Tom doesn?t have a subversive bone in his body.* However, while he may be boring, he is at least self-aware.*At uni, Tom?s first-ever girlfriend was a very sparky Latina who had him wrapped around her little finger.* He was almost inconsolably devastated when she dumped him.* He subsequently dated the very nice but dull sister of a friend.* He broke up with her, because, in his own words, ?She?s boring, and I?m boring so we?d just end up being boring together.?* Then along came Kitty.Petite, blonde, bubbly and a former cheerleader, Kitty was the antidote to Tom?s dull ways.* Coming from a rural part of the state, she attended a community college where she attracted extreme amounts of male attention.* Although she wasn?t particularly academically gifted, Kitty was ambitious and saw the potential for a better life in Tom.* It would be uncharitable to say that?s all she saw Üsküdar Escort in him as the two of them genuinely seemed very happy together.* However, she was shamelessly materialistic, opting to wait until Tom could add another carat to the ring before accepting his eventual proposal.Fast forward twenty-five years, and they?d built what looked like a dream suburban life: a handsome son, a beautiful daughter, a couple of dogs, the aforementioned McMansion and all its trappings.* Kitty devoted her life to the kids and took pride in showering them with attention.* She also never missed the opportunity to document her efforts on social media.* There were photos of the back-to-school mother/daughter mani-pedis along with all the honour society awards, recitals, basketball games and slumber parties. Christmas, Halloween and even Easter decorations were done to a ridiculous scale.* With both kids having flown the nest, Kitty was at a loose end. I assumed that was why she seemed so keen to have a guest.The Evans house was just a twenty-minute drive from the airport.* After collecting my hire car, I was able to get to their place in the early evening. It being late June, there was still plenty of daylight when I arrived.* The GPS led me to a neighbourhood of large homes situated on perfectly manicured lawns.* Nothing seemed out of place, and an aura of privilege and sterility prevailed.*When Tom answered the door of the massive red brick house, I immediately did a double take.* In high school, Tom was a decent baseball player and was reasonably fit.* Somehow over the intervening decades, he?d managed to put on a significant amount of weight.* Before I could compose myself, he read the look on my face and sheepishly admitted, ?Yeah, I?ve gained a few pounds.?* Despite the rocky start, he gave me a brotherly hug and ushered me inside.*As I set foot in the obscenely proportioned foyer, Kitty?s voice echoed off the cathedral ceiling, ?Is that Jack?* Tommy, bring him into the kitchen.?Kitty greeted me with a big smile and a warm hug.* The years had been kind to her.* Somehow her skin maintained its youthful glow, and unless her bra was an engineering marvel, her impressive C-cups were still defying gravity. I accepted her offer of an iced tea and was given a tour of the house. We stopped and admired every room, and Kitty was quick to point to all the tokens of her children?s accomplishments.* The house and her children were clearly her life?s work so I listened patiently and asked questions to give her a chance to talk about her kids? successes.*Arriving back in the kitchen, Kitty proudly showed me her "European coffee bar" complete with a wide range of flavoured syrups.* She seemed proud to be able to make coffee, ?just like they do in Switzerland.? Although not an expert, my experience with Swiss coffee never involved anything tasting of lavender or coconut. Escort Üsküdar Not wanting to burst her bubble, I just smiled and said I was looking forward to a morning cup.With the preliminaries being over, Kitty steered me to the massive granite-topped kitchen island where she?d laid out quite an array of food.* ?Never mind the mess,? she said as she gestured towards a tangle of 4th of July decorations to the side of the large double sink. She then reminded Tom that he needed to hang the strings of lights and bunting before the weekend was over.Kitty was quick to point out her new charcuterie board. However, I was more interested in the delights it held.* I was hungry, but with jet lag, I wasn?t quite in the mood for a complicated dinner. Cold cuts and cheese were perfect, and I appreciated the effort she?d gone to in putting the spread together.* I insisted on taking them out to dinner the following night.The next day, Kitty announced to Tom and me that she?d found the perfect restaurant, a nearby Italian.* I offered to drive, but Kitty opted to take one of their SUVs saying she wouldn?t feel safe in my compact rental.* I chose to be diplomatic and not point out that the dangers came from those who chose to drive unnecessarily large gas guzzlers.On the way, Kitty mentioned that It was an ?authentic Italian? (is there any word more overused in the restaurant trade than ?authentic??).*?The Donovans told me about it.* They went to Italy for their twentieth anniversary and said this place is as close as it gets to what they had there.?I?ve always been a fan of Italian food, and love the variety offered by the different regions.* Out of curiosity rather than scepticism, I asked what part of Italy they visited.*?I?m not sure of all the places they went, but I know their ship docked in Venice for a day or two.?My heart sank.* The prospect of ?cruise ship? Italian was not terribly exciting.* However, the lack of authenticity did not keep me from enjoying the meal. The portions were huge and everything was covered in mountains of cheese -- just as I remembered ?proper? Italian being from my youth.At dinner, Kitty kept the conversation flowing, making*reference to Tom also being an international business traveller - to which he pointed out that his only experience on foreign soil was for a meeting in Toronto earlier that year.* She also made numerous misinformed references to how things were done in Europe, but there was nothing I felt important enough to correct her on.* Towards the end of the meal, after she?d had a couple of glasses of wine, Kitty looked at me with a glint in her eye and asked about the sex club scene in Europe.*I let out a large sigh. Some years prior when I was out with old high school friends, I mentioned that I?d visited a sex club once. Truth be told, it was a run-down place in Edinburgh that I paid £30 to enter and regretted Üsküdar Escort Bayan it almost immediately.* I only*saw two women in the place and a lot of desperate-looking men.* One woman was clearly only interested in her partner, and the other was tied up in the dungeon with a vibrator strapped to her crotch.* I left straight after downing the bottle of beer which was included with the entry fee.I was too embarrassed to admit how awful the place was so I refused to offer any details.* As I?m usually open about things, my friends took that as an indication that I?d got up to something particularly crazy.* I never corrected them, and the air of mystery surrounding the incident grew.* Word had clearly leaked to the wives, piquing their curiosity over the years as well.Rather than provide the underwhelming truth, I played coy, which left Kitty less than satisfied. Tom rescued me by announcing, ?Kitty, I think it?s time we head home.?Come Friday evening, Kitty was preparing for a girls' night out with friends from the neighbourhood. She wore a black sleeveless top with silver sequins and a tight, knee-length skirt and black strappy heels.* I walked into the kitchen to find her talking to a similarly attired, gym-fit brunette. As I approached, I heard her say to Kitty with a giggle, ?So that?s Christian Grey, is it?? It took me a second, but I eventually recognised the woman from Kitty?s social media posts.* She was another stay-at-home mom who enjoyed wine tastings and Christmas cookie exchanges.* She was also a big fan of Fifty Shades of Grey.* She, Kitty, and a pack of neighbourhood MILFs posted photos of themselves discussing the novel in their book club and going to the opening night of the film. Some of the subsequent chat got a little racy and even included banter poking fun at Tom?s vanilla approach to life.Kitty rolled her eyes and introduced me to Lisa who lived just a few doors down.* We made small talk until the ladies had to leave. Upon departing, Lisa said to have fun with Tom and to make sure not to go to any clubs.* Good grief.* I could be known as the local guy who studied at Oxford and now lives in London. Instead, I?m known as the guy who once set foot in a sex club.With the ladies gone, Tom and I grilled some burgers and watched a baseball game on the floor-to-ceiling screen in the cinema room.* After a couple of beers, Tom nodded off and began snoring in his reclining chair.* At the seventh-inning stretch, he roused himself and set off to bed as he had an early tee time in the morning.* Apparently, a weekly round of golf provided the bulk of his exercise.Watching an evening baseball game in real time was a novelty so I decided to stay up, even as the game went into extra innings. Around midnight, I slipped up to the kitchen to grab a glass of water when I heard Kitty come in.* She was merry and appeared to have had a few glasses of wine.We stood chatting by the island in the kitchen.* The talk eventually became more serious, and she asked if I liked being back in town.* When I said I did, she made a joke about the lack of a local sex club.?I?m sure you could find or even start one if you wanted,? I replied.